photo kamshots via flickr
“If I lived in China, I’d be very popular.”
In a previous post, my wife, Barb referenced a study that found shyness and sensitivity to be highly desired personality traits among children in China. On the other hand, these same traits were far less desirable among Canadian children.
Many other studies confirm that there are cultural differences in how we perceive reality. Most telling are those that compare Eastern and Western cultures. David Brooks summarizes these studies in his most recent book, The Social Animal:
- American and Japanese subjects were asked to describe what they saw when they looked at pictures of a fish tank. Americans overwhelmingly described the biggest and most prominent fish in the tank. The Japanese were much more likely to refer to the context and background elements, such as the water, rocks, bubbles, and plants in the tank.
- In another study, 6-year-olds were asked to describe their day. American children made three times as many references to themselves compared to the Chinese children.
- When looking at a painting, such as the Mona Lisa, Americans spend more time looking at the face, whereas the Chinese shift more between the subject and the background.
Westerners tend to focus more narrowly on individuals, independence and on individuals taking action, while Asians are more likely to focus on context, harmony, and interdependence.
By rewarding risk takers, America has been a leader in innovation. However, our culture has evolved to where we now reward the loudest and most self-aggrandizing. We are missing out on what shy and quiet people have to contribute.
Growing up, I was always one of those shy and quiet people. Throughout my education, I was always perceived to “lack motivation” because I didn’t speak up often. One day, in my family therapy class in graduate school, two of my classmates were debating a very boring and esoteric topic. The professor surprisingly interrupted their argument to ask my opinion. I startled myself by blurting out, “I think this whole discussion is BS.” The professor responded, “Good point! Speak up more often.”
The family therapy class was a turning point for me. I was rewarded for saying something that could have been very unpopular (at least with two of my classmates). Over time, I began speaking up more. I found that all my years of sitting back and observing had provided me with a unique perspective in analyzing situations. I actually had valuable things to say.
Family therapy, much like Asian culture, emphasizes interdependence, complex interactions, and paradox. I remember hearing a basic axiom of family therapy that states: “The quietest member of the family usually has the most to say.”
My career as a psychologist, regardless of the setting where I have worked, has been about helping people find their voice. That is what our blog is about—recognizing the value in what shy people have to say, even when they say it quietly, or without words. Barb and I hope that by sharing our thoughts, we might help you accept yourself in some small way. We also hope to learn from you as you share your experiences with us.
Barbara Markway, Ph.D., is a psychologist and author. Her work has been featured in numerous media outlets, including: the New York Times, Washington Post, Today Show, and Good Morning America. Her first book, Dying of Embarrassment, has been named one of the most scientifically valid self-help books in a study published in Professional Psychology, Research and Practice.
Greg Markway, Ph.D., is a psychologist and author. He has co-authored three self-help books with Barbara, as well as being featured on the Today Show and in Men's Health, Health, and many other popular publications. He has also been a featured presenter at conferences on social anxiety and selective mutism.
It’s too bad we don’t put more emphasis on quiet listening, reflection and observation. Everything about American culture is loud and bold. It’s usually the ones who have been watching and thinking who see things much more clearly.
Thank you for your comment, Susan. You put that so well!
Great post Greg! It was interesting reading about those different studies in Eastern vs Western culture. I knew about the Canada vs China one with kids’ popularity, but I didn’t know about the other ones.
Thank you, Brittany. It has taken many years for me to recognize that my temperament has strengths. More and more evidence points to the importance what more reserved people have to offer. Ironically, no one I now work with would consider me shy.
“I think this whole discussion is BS.” .. exactly what i feel most of the times with modern “talking”.
As for me i have two extremes: i am a great charismatic talker when its about discussions that have a purpose, that interest me and where no formalities exist. While when “talking” is a must and is a “corporate fake style talking” i get very uncomfortable because am very straight forward and don’t like to talk if i don’t feel like am interested.
let me share a story, once i was working with a team on a project, and we had to meet continuously with the stakeholder. Some team members were the “loud” type, the kind of ” i can do everything, and i am what you are looking for ” people. The meetings discussions were as you said “BS” and were repetitive, not meaningful and very “politician style” oriented. Those “loud” members in addition to presenting themselves always as perfect and ” in control” , were always telling the stakeholder what he’d like to hear. Personally, i was quiet 99% of the meetings because i refused to speak just cause “i have to” and that which makes me nervous. I received some comments from these “loud” members about me being quiet in the meetings, and as if they were the role model to follow. So , there was a very important task in the project (critical one) which was sthg never made before, and very hard to accomplish. I gave the team my opinion on how to accomplish it, but they refused it claiming some of the members had more experience in the field..
we kept trying/failing trying/failing during several months, until they gave up… I told them i’d like to be the leader of this task, and they “accepted” so that i’d be the one to get blamed from the stakeholder if it doesn’t work. I told them i wont be joining their meetings anymore and i’d focus more on acting than talking…
In one month, i finished ALONE what couldn’t be done in abt 7 months. I gave it to the stake holder , and now it is being used.
Conclusion: A lot of “loud” talkers will tell you what you want to hear, but when it comes to act , only the “quiet’ knows what they’re doing.
And wt is sad is that the corporate interviewing system seeks the “loud” type of people thinking they know what they are doing.
thanks, keep up the good work:)