I had to pick up the newest issue of Good Housekeeping magazine when I saw Ellen Degeneres on the cover. I’ve always been a huge fan, not only because watching her show is a sure-fire way to make me laugh, but also because Ellen is so darn nice. It’s a great article by David Hochman (photo by Andrew Eccles) and includes an excerpt from her new book called, Seriously…I’m Kidding. For me, the best part of the article is her answer to this question: “What accomplishment are you most proud of?” Her answer: “I’m glad I’m funny. I’m glad I make people happy, because that’s very important. But I’m proud to be known as a kind person.” Isn’t that cool? As someone who has always thought being nice was somehow akin to being boring, or worse yet, a doormat, I’m excited that someone like Ellen is championing the virtue of being nice. In the article, she goes on to talk about all of the sarcasm and negativity at others’ expense that permeates the world. She thinks it’s where bullying comes from.
For at least a year now, I’ve had this wacky idea that I’d like to be a guest on her show. I know, I’m not a famous actress, a best-selling author, and I certainly don’t have any special music ability. But Ellen is so outspoken about bullying, I thought maybe she’d want to know that people get teased and bullied simply for being shy and quiet. I mean, who would think that would happen?
In my post, Quiet is Not A Four-Letter Word, I wrote about the painful experience of a teacher calling attention to me by saying I was the quietest student he’d ever had in his entire teaching career. The other kids turned around and looked at me like I was a freak. My fellow blogger, Brittany, over at The Shyness Project, gave a speech (brave woman!) about how she was bullied for being quiet. A research study conducted by professor Lars-Goran Ost at Stockholm University found that 58 percent of people with social anxiety disorder attributed the onset of their disorder to a traumatic experience (such as bullying). Maybe it’s naive, but I wonder if we could prevent some of the painful shyness and full-blown social anxiety disorders just by being a little nicer to each other (I know, that does sound simplistic).
Personally, I’ve imagined that if I could be on her show (perhaps even dance!) that it would be a monumental symbol that I’m finally free of any last bit of fear that holds me back. I’ve also thought that being interviewed by Ellen would be nonthreatening (well, as nonthreatening as possible given that I’d be seen by of millions of people). Ellen has a wonderful way of making her guests (and thus, her viewers) feel unconditionally accepted. Whether talking about depression, addictions, eating disorders, or whatever–she makes people feel brave and courageous for sharing their stories. She’s a champion for people who dare to speak the unspeakable.
Well, for now I hope Ellen’s producers don’t come calling, because I’m not ready. I haven’t even given my first speech at Toastmasters! But maybe sometime. And until then, I’m going to keep being nice, and be proud of it!
P.S. If you’ve been teased or bullied for being shy and quiet, please let me know. I’m doing some informal research on this topic.
Barbara Markway, Ph.D., is a psychologist and author. Her work has been featured in numerous media outlets, including: the New York Times, Washington Post, Today Show, and Good Morning America. Her first book, Dying of Embarrassment, has been named one of the most scientifically valid self-help books in a study published in Professional Psychology, Research and Practice.
Greg Markway, Ph.D., is a psychologist and author. He has co-authored three self-help books with Barbara, as well as being featured on the Today Show and in Men's Health, Health, and many other popular publications. He has also been a featured presenter at conferences on social anxiety and selective mutism.
