To read the full story, click here.

I first learned about Marla upon reading about how she went to Disneyworld and wore a t-shirt that boldly stated: “ASK ME ABOUT MY SOCIAL ANXIETY.” I had to know more about someone who could confront her own anxiety with such boldness and humor!  She agreed to share her story. To read more, click here.

Kayla’s first year of preschool

This is the story of a little girl who felt terribly afraid. So afraid that at times she was unable to speak or move. Although this story has its share of sadness, it ultimately ends in triumph, and with a parade.

I first became acquainted with Kayla when I was participating in a documentary on social anxiety disorder called, Afraid of People. The producer sent me an early “rough cut” of the documentary to watch; I was particularly drawn to the girl with the strawberry-blonde hair. She appeared tormented every time anyone spoke or looked at her. She would gaze downward, her hair falling forward, obscuring her face. Over the years, I’ve corresponded regularly with her mother, Sherry, keeping abreast of Kayla’s progress. Both Sherry and Kayla have given me permission to share this story in hopes that it will help others.

Preschool: Suffering in Silence. Kayla started preschool when she was almost four-years-old. It was rough going from the beginning. Kayla wasn’t able to initiate any type of play with the other children. It was as if she had become paralyzed with fear. Sherry thought it was just because she had never been in a school setting before and hoped that she’d adjust in time.

Unfortunately, Sherry learned from her preschool teacher that Kayla was not participating in any of the activities unless it was something that could be done directly from her seat. For example, after the children used their crayon boxes they were to put them back onto a shelf. Kayla was unable to do this. The teacher told Sherry it was as if they were having a power struggle to see who would put the crayon box back. She told Sherry that Kayla was just being “stubborn.”

Another problem Kayla had that year was snack time. After eating their snack, the children were to throw away their napkin. Again, Kayla was unable to leave her seat. The teacher’s solution was to tell Kayla she couldn’t have snack unless she threw away her trash. Kayla literally couldn’t do it, but the teacher again viewed her as being oppositional and defiant. Sherry said, “When I learned my poor child was sitting in a classroom with 25 other students and watching them eat snacks – all because she was afraid – I was angry.”

Sherry recalled a Halloween party at school when Kayla wouldn’t participate in any of the activities. The kids, dressed in their costumes, were expected to parade down the hall into a large room where the parents had gathered. Instead of entering the room, Kayla buried her face in the wall and broke down in tears.

Throughout this time period, Sherry talked with their family doctor, who told her Kayla was simply shy and would outgrow it. Sherry thought to herself, “Okay, maybe that’s the case, but I’ve never seen anyone so shy.”

Kindergarten: The Frustration Mounts. When Kayla started kindergarten, Sherry had high hopes. She thought Kayla would have the best teacher she could imagine – a former school counselor. Sherry did all she could to inform the teacher of Kayla’s issues ahead of time, but it seemed to fall on deaf ears. Kayla suffered many questionable practices. For example, her teacher singled her out for not being able to say the Pledge of Allegiance and made her stand out in the hall.

Kayla developed major separation anxiety during this year. She started crying from the moment she woke up in the morning about having to go to school. Sherry would walk her into the classroom, then Kayla would chase Sherry out of the room when she left, crying hysterically. Sherry received notes from Kayla’s teacher telling her what a bad day Kayla had, how the children were frustrated with Kayla because she didn’t talk, and how she saw only a “bleak future” for Kayla.

Toward the end of Kayla’s kindergarten year, Sherry first heard the term “selective mutism.” She did all the research she could on the problem, talked again with her family doctor, and made an appointment for Kayla to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist did, in fact, diagnose Kayla with selective mutism, but didn’t do much else in terms of helping Sherry or her husband know what to do to help Kayla. He recommended medication, but because he did not explain his rationale, they didn’t want to consider this option. Thinking back on it, Sherry believes if the doctor had taken more time to explain the medication and what it was supposed to do, she would have been more open-minded.

First Grade: A Breakthrough. Kayla finally got an understanding, supportive teacher for her first grade year. This was the year she slowly began to thrive. She started out the year bonding with a boy who had cerebral palsy. Sherry described him as a loving little boy who always gave out hugs to kids. Kayla sat by him and his aid; because of his gentle ways, Kayla felt secure and accepted. “I think Kayla could look at him and his struggles with his speech and see that he didn’t let it hold him back in life,” Sherry said. Kayla began reading out loud to this boy, and she started talking to her teacher in a whisper.

Also during this time period, Sherry found a new doctor, Dr. Elisa Shipon-Blum, a recognized expert in selective mutism. Sherry said, “She was a dream come true for us. She had a complete understanding of everything I said about my daughter.” She took the time to educate them about the benefits of medication, and they started Kayla on a very low dose.* She also recommended cognitive-behavioral therapy for Kayla. Sherry noticed positive changes in Kayla almost immediately. She began to get out of the car at school with a little more confidence and she even started waving to the crossing guard. “I will never forget the first time she yelled out the car window to one of her friends after school,” Sherry said. “It was as if she finally discovered the voice she never knew she had.”

Sherry remembers that Kayla’s fears started disappearing in other areas, as well. “She started wanting to do things she’d never even tried before, like climbing trees and hanging upside down on her swing set.” Sherry wondered if she had wanted to try these things for so long, but never had the courage to do so.

Kayla Blossoms: Kayla’s school years kept getting better and better. During her second grade year she began to speak out loud in small groups within the classroom. She developed a wonderful group of friends who accepted her for who she was. Because she was doing so well, she was slowly taken off of the medication. She had a few setbacks, but was able to continue interacting and speaking with her friends. The teacher would meet with her after school one day a week and do fun activities with her to build a foundation of trust.

By junior high, Kayla was still very quiet but was able to speak up when necessary. In 10th grade, she participated in a skit in the school talent show. She was a big hit, and even did some improvisational humor later in the evening. Kayla continued to progress throughout high school, had friends, and joined some clubs. She was also inducted into the National Honor Society. For this, she had to write an essay about someone who inspired her. She chose to write about Lady Gaga and how Lady Gaga is able to be her own person and stand up for what she believes, regardless of what others might think.

Kayla in the Homecoming Parade

Kayla is currently in her senior year of high school. At the beginning of the year, she was given assignment to write a reflective essay about her journey from junior high to her senior year. She titled her essay, “Breaking Out of My Shell.”

A few weeks ago, Kayla was voted homecoming queen of her school. She was the center of attention that homecoming week, riding in the back of a convertible and waving to all the people gathered along the parade route. Yes, the little girl, who was frozen in fear in her preschool Halloween costume, had grown into a young woman who loved a parade.

*Please note we are not advocating any particular medical treatment.

Brittany at the beginning of The Shyness Project

I met Brittany last summer while “hanging out” on Susan Cain’s website, Quiet: The Power of Introverts. I noticed her thoughtful and insightful comments on many of the posts, and I decided to check out Brittany’s blog, The Shyness Project. Wow! I couldn’t believe this was the work of an 18-year-old. She had carefully designed a one-year-project (along the lines of, and inspired by Gretchen Rubin’s bestselling, The Happiness Project) to confront what she termed her crippling shyness. I sat there reading every entry with tears rolling down my face. Her experiences were so similar to mine: stomach aches in school, teasing for being shy and quiet, feeling constricted with anxiety. Yet there was one major difference in our stories. What had taken me nearly fifty years to get a handle on, she was already facing with an awe-inspiring, systematic tenacity. Over the past few months, we’ve corresponded regularly and I’ve continued to be amazed at her progress. She’s made new friends, joined a public speaking group, worked on participating in class, and has tried a variety of new things (such as salsa dancing!) to break out of her comfort zone. Although she’s a busy college student, not to mention popular blogger, she was gracious enough to grant me this interview.

Tell us about your Shyness Project and what made you decide to do this.

The Shyness Project was the one-year plan I devised to confront my debilitating shyness. I set a number of goals for myself that I wanted to address throughout the year and held myself accountable by blogging about my efforts publicly. I decided to do this because I didn’t want to let fear keep me from doing what I wanted to do in life. I wanted to be able to write a book, teach English abroad, and do all the things I’d always dreamed of. I felt like my shyness and anxiety stood in the way.

What has been the most difficult thing you’ve done so far?

Joining a public speaking group called Toastmasters was definitely my toughest endeavor. I came really close to backing out on that one after feeling intimidated by all the eloquent and fantastic speakers in the club. I didn’t think I would be able to do what they were doing, and I was afraid to go to another meeting. But then I just sort of forced myself to join and convinced my dad to join too, and it turned out to be a really great experience for the both of us. I already feel much more confident in my speaking ability and have realized that I’m not as bad of a speaker as I thought. (A link to Brittany’s first speech follows this post.)

What has surprised you most?

I was surprised by how powerful the connections were that I made with some of my blog readers. I didn’t expect to make friends through blogging and didn’t think the Internet was a place where you could make friends. I learned otherwise. I’ve met some great people who I’d love to meet in person. I actually feel like I know some of them personally even though we’ve only communicated through our blogs and on Facebook.

What has been the most fun?

Writing about my efforts has been a lot of fun for me. I’ve enjoyed taking notes of my experiences and crafting them into blog posts. And I’ve loved getting comments from people who can relate to me and my experiences. I’ve heard from people all over the world!

Have you ever felt like quitting?

Oh yes. Even the first day I wanted to quit because I felt so anxious about planning to go out and talk to a stranger! I had to literally take out a piece of paper and write a declaration that I would see this project through no matter what. Then I signed it. I keep that piece of paper to remind me to keep going. But each and every month I’ve had doubts, and have felt like quitting. It’s hard to repeatedly do things that bring me a lot of anxiety and self-doubt. It’s also very emotionally taxing to reveal so much of myself on a public blog. It makes you feel very vulnerable. Sometimes I just felt overwhelmed with all I was opening up about.

What else helped you keep going?

My blog readers definitely helped me keep going. I doubt this project would have been possible without them. I received a lot of really kind emails and comments throughout the project, and that really encouraged me. And when I was told by some of them that I inspired them to confront some of their own anxiety and struggles, I was more determined than ever to keep pushing myself. I really developed a sort of blog family, and they became my support group. They kept me accountable because I didn’t want to let them down and I didn’t want to let myself down either.

The year is winding down. What can we look forward to in November and December?

In November and December you can look forward to reading about my experience addressing my phone phobia. I’ve always enormously dreaded having to call people and the phone has always been a source of anxiety for me. In addition, I am hoping to learn some more about my faithful blog readers and their own experiences with debilitating shyness and anxiety. I know several of them have intriguing stories of their own of their personal battles.

Do you have any advice for others who might want to start their own shyness project?

I really advise that if you’re going to confront your own painful shyness, that you be 100% committed to it and want to do it for your own sake and not anyone else’s. Make sure you’re focusing on the aspects of your shyness that you feel interfere with your life.

As for finding the strength to persevere with your efforts, passion and self-motivation is key. You have to have a strong desire to change and have to be willing to deal with discomfort in the short-term to be able to reach more comfort in the long-term. You also need to keep a positive attitude and support yourself as you take steps outside your comfort zone. Learning to recognize and change your inner self-talk is crucial.

And I really recommend making your efforts public on a blog. The blog helps you stay committed and keeps you accountable. It also gives you the opportunity to connect with others who can relate to you and support you. I waited several months before I told any of my friends, however, and for me, that worked out fine because I had the blog to keep me accountable. I don’t think you have to rush in to telling the people you know about your goals. Just share things at your own pace and when you feel like you are ready. You don’t want to overwhelm yourself by adding too much pressure. Making your goals public is truly a powerful tool, and I believe my project wouldn’t have been as successful if I hadn’t shared my goals.

Can you believe you’ve come this far?

No, I really can’t! Sometimes I look back at entries from this year, and I can’t believe I’ve done all this. I didn’t even think I was going to be able to see this idea through, let alone be near the end of it now. It’s crazy. I can’t believe I didn’t quit. I can’t believe I’m doing this interview!

Well, I can believe it. Although her one-year Shyness Project is nearing the end, I have a strong suspicion that we’ve just seen the beginning of what Brittany will accomplish in her life.

To visit Brittany’s blog, The Shyness Project, click here.

To see Brittany’s first speech, click here.